Worried About Being a Burden to Family? Advice for Parents

Being a burden to family can be a growing concern for aging parents. Yet, not all families view the idea of being a burden the same way.

Some aging parents do not expect “payback” for the sacrifices they made to raise their children. These parents are a blessing to their children and to future generations of their family.

Other parents and cultures raise their children with an understanding of the duties, responsibilities, and sacrifices of generational caregiving. These parents expect to be cared for regardless of the financial, health, and relational impacts on their children. Because this is “what we do.”

Understanding burden can help elderly parents avoid becoming a burden to their children. Gain practical strategies around family caregiving issues and caregiving and family relationships in this article by Pamela D Wilson, caregiving expert.

Let’s look at the reasons parents need care, and then three phrases commonly heard from elderly parents that should be carefully worded so as not to become a burden to family.

Aging Realities of Needing Physical and Emotional Care

How does life change when aging parents need physical and emotional care? Being a burden to family usually begins with health concerns.

When parents become physically weak and have increasing health problems, children become more deeply involved in day-to-day issues. Adult children may accompany parents to doctor appointments, order and set up medications, and assist with bathing, showering, and changing adult underwear.

Everything Takes More Time

A diagnosis of dementia for an elderly parent increases the time demands for adult children who serve as their caregivers.

In addition to daily assistance, stress levels rise when parents with dementia refuse to take medications, shower, change clothes, or go to the doctor.

Elderly parents with Alzheimer’s or dementia in the family must be more proactive than the average person in planning ahead for their care.

The impact of dementia on a spouse caregiver is significant, as well as the potential need for a spouse or adult child to be named as a court-appointed guardian vs. power of attorney.

Every activity takes longer. Because parents are retired, they have all the time in the world. Working children are time-impoverished. They do not have enough time in their days to get everything accomplished.

Getting ready to go to a doctor appointment takes three hours because elderly parents with dementia take longer to dress, eat, feel rushed, become angry, or aggressive. Helping parents becomes an exercise in patience when parents become anxious.

Going out into public to a doctor appointment, to grocery shop, or run an errand can be an exhausting experience for parents and raise the stress and anxiety levels of their children.

Unexpected behaviors caused by noise, sitting for a long time in a crowded waiting room, or waiting in line to check out at the grocery store can frustrate elderly parents who are used to a calm home environment.

The Effect of a Lack of Boundaries and No Help

Even though adult children take care of aging parents and can appear positive, they can be dying inside.

Parental expectations of children as caregivers can negatively affect health and well-being when enjoyable parts of life are traded for stressful tasks.

Caregivers experience emotional distress when saying yes to ongoing requests. Many feel guilty about setting boundaries or saying no.

Caregiver relationships with spouses, partners, and children suffer because of the time traded to perform helpful activities for parents. And if one child is doing all the work and the other children are not involved, sibling relationships can be destroyed.

Being a burden to family extends beyond the primary parent-caregiver relationship.

Elderly parents must not be naïve about the pressure placed on one child and its impact on relationships with other children in the family. Parents may not be aware of discussions going on in the background about codependent or deadbeat siblings or siblings who refuse to help.

The stress of being the primary sibling caregiver has other far-reaching impacts. As these children become burned out, their behavior can negatively impact a parent’s care, and they may share less information with siblings they no longer like.

Siblings in a power of attorney role for elderly parents can become a hindrance to the care of parents and to maintaining positive sibling relationships.

Parents’ behaviors and the way they interact with and speak to children significantly impact family caregiving relationships.

So, if parents want to avoid being a burden to family, here are three phrases to consider looking at differently.

1 “I Can’t Do the Things I Used to Do.”

Saying “I can’t do the things” I used to do can have many meanings.

Is the goal to figure out how to get back to doing more of the things you used to do?

Are you depressed about your life situation?

Or is this an attention-seeking goal so that other people will say, oh, poor you, let me help?

Instead of potentially being a burden to family, what was life like when you could do the things you used to do? What would it take to do those things again?

Even if you are an older adult who didn’t do the best job of taking care of yourself, there’s no time like the present to start making positive changes.

Maybe you lacked education or information about a health concern. Perhaps there was an unexpected accident or diagnosis.

Don’t complain about your health or be negative about other problems, as you will become a burden to your children.

Commiserate with friends who might have similar issues and seek positive solutions.

It is possible to live and make lifestyle adjustments without becoming dependent on children.

Inspire your children to lead healthier, more active lives. Be open about the challenges of aging and share positive insights.

Get motivated, find inspiration, gain confidence in your abilities, try new things, and take up a new hobby.

Enjoy time with your adult children in joyful activities rather than in activities focused on caregiving tasks your children do for you

2 “My kids have jobs and families of their own.”

Be proud of your children if they have jobs and families of their own. If your children are successful, then you have done a great job as a parent.

Tell your children how proud you are of them! Enjoy your grandchildren when you can. Be a positive influence on your children and grandchildren. 

However, if you are saying “my kids have jobs and families of their own” in the context of “oh poor me, my kids don’t have time for me,” what is your motivation?

Is the goal to make children feel guilty so they will spend more time with you or help you, only to resent you for being guilted into it?

Some parents move to be closer to their children or grandchildren without asking their children. They make the announcement and just show up.

Elderly parents who create new connections and social lives fare better than those who rely on family to be their social life. Many communities have active senior programs and programs for the elderly. Become a model for your children when they age.

Separately, the loss of a spouse can result in the surviving parent becoming more dependent on children. While grieving is never easy, seek counseling and find a support network. There are groups for widows, widowers, and new solo agers.

Make friends who focus on solutions and have positive coping habits to address aging issues. Learn the habits of people who age well.

Get out of your comfort zone, spend time with independent, self-sufficient, active-aging adults, and create a more interesting life for yourself. Then you can share your activities with your children rather than become an activity or a burden for them.

Phrases Aging Parents Can Avoid Saying If They Don’t Want to Become a Burden to Their Adult Children

Visit Pamela’s YouTube Channel to watch hundreds of videos about taking care of yourself or a loved one. Gain expert insights about the health, healthcare, financial, legal, and family relationship aspects of caregiving that impact so many families.

3 “I don’t want my kids to worry.”

If you do not want your kids to worry, do not give them anything to worry about. Make a plan for your care and well-being and share it with them.

Make a financial plan. Medicare doesn’t pay for everything.

Some parents excel in this area. Elderly parents who want to avoid being a burden to children have a goal of being self-sufficient.

These parents tend to do their own research and are flexible in their response to changing life situations.

Older adults who are willing to learn and embrace their retirement years are more satisfied and happy with their lives.

Create a Care Plan

To avoid being a burden to children, work on your own care plan. Create a plan for your health and finances that considers all options.

Then create an estate plan that identifies a medical and financial power-of-attorney agent. Create a living will, a will, or a trust so that all affairs related to aging are in order.

Learn how to choose the right person to represent you in these matters and the risks of choosing the wrong person.

This means a plan that addresses where to live, how to receive care when needed, and how to pay for care.

Share Plans With Children

Share health and financial plans with your children so they know you have a plan. For example, if or when I or we need help:

• Hire in-home caregivers, arrange for me to attend a day program, or help me find an assisted care home.
• Do not ruin your health, your marriage, neglect your children, or damage your career opportunities to be my caregiver.
• However, you can help. I will have a good attitude and do my best to make it work.

Put your wishes in writing to avoid being a burden to family today and in the future.

Having a written plan will help you avoid being a burden. You will also prevent a controlling, guilty, or greedy child from changing your wishes.

Aging and dealing with potential health problems will come along sooner or later. Be proactive. Have a plan.

Getting older does not mean life has to be more difficult. Life can be joyful and easier when you prepare.

So rather than saying, “I can’t do the things I used to do,” know what you will do if or when this happens.

Are you looking for support in making a care plan or navigating family relationships? Schedule a 1:1 consultation with Pamela D Wilson.

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