6 Tips to Initiating Caregiving Discussions With Aging Parents
Initiating caregiving discussions with aging parents can be challenging. As an adult child, you may have attempted and failed. It’s time to try again with these proven tips. Initiating ongoing discussions about needed care and related concerns supports positive relationships. These discussions are beneficial and help avoid crises.
Your aging parent may hesitate to have a conversation because they are suspicious of their intentions. Let them know that you want to know their wishes in the event of an emergency. Ask how you and your brothers and sisters might assist.
Aging parents are more comfortable discussing this when children express interest in their wishes and when help is offered rather than having adult children tell aging parents what must be done.
For adult children caregivers, understanding the aging parent’s expectations, wishes, and needs is critical prior to initiating caregiving discussions. Aging parents do not want to be treated as if they cannot care for themselves.
These discussions may identify situations where expectations are impractical or unreasonable. The aging parent may find the requests fully within reason. An example of an unrealistic expectation may be that a daughter spends every Saturday at a parent’s home providing a variety of assistance. A more practical plan may be one Saturday a month with evening assistance every other week. 
Understanding the degree to which adult children can participate is important for aging parents who need care. Not all children may be able to participate equally or at all. Adult children have their own lives, careers, children to raise, and interests.
The time devoted to caring for aging parents will increase, not decrease. Initiating caregiving discussions before care situations advance has the benefit of preserving rather than destroying family relationships. While adult children would like to be helpful, there are times when meeting a parent’s expectations is not possible.
Below are 6 tips to initiate caregiving discussions with aging parents or loved ones:
1) Identify the caregivers who are willing and committed to be involved in care
Often, all of the responsibilities are placed on a single individual, which is impractical. Family members who are unable to participate can “opt out.” Before this occurs, ask about financial support if an individual is not able to devote time. Group support tasks by the caregiver’s interests, abilities, and skills. One person may take care of household projects, another medical care, another bill paying, another yard work, etc.
2) Discuss priorities. Identify reasonable expectations
Discuss and agree as a group about activities and projects. The goal is for all involved to work as a team. No single person is to contradict agreements. In situations where three or more individuals are involved, triangulation often occurs.
This means that person A speaks to person B, and person B talks to person C to explain the needs of person A. The best option is to avoid one-on-one discussions that involve others. The appropriate response from person C to B is, “I’m happy to talk to you and Dad about this subject directly; let’s call Dad right now.”
3) After identifying the caregivers who will help and how, create a schedule and a calendar of activity
Place a calendar in the aging parent’s home and create a computer version of the same schedule that may be shared. If multiple people are involved, it is best to spread the visits over different days of the week to allow multiple check-ins. The calendar can be placed in a visible area and initiated after each visit by the caregiver.
4) After weekly visits, caregivers provide a brief update of their visit to other family caregivers
The update may be made by phone call, text message, or email. The message confirms that the committed visit occurred and offers updates. Depending on the situation’s complexity, a weekly call may be scheduled for updates. The conversation may include updates on scheduling medical appointments, picking up prescriptions, grocery shopping, and other projects.
5) Initiate a “check-in” conversation two days before the weekly visit
The conversations may include updates about visits, concerns, or projects. The goal of the phone call is to avoid surprise requests during the visit that may have been managed in advance. The call also provides the opportunity to visit and learn about other information essential to the caregiver and the aging parent.
6) Have a monthly gathering with all involved
Family gatherings are times that support positive relationships. The get-together for breakfast, lunch, or dinner supports ongoing conversations about what is working, what may not be working, and what changes may have to occur. Talking about short- and long-term plans is also important so that making decisions in crises may be avoided.
Communication supports positive family relationships when adult children can join together to support aging parents. However, not all families get along. Past disagreements and hurts may prevent adult children from working together.
In situations where family conflict exists, the plan above may still be implemented by providing the option for those unwilling to work together to opt out of participation. The other option is holding a family meeting and reaching a consensus. This means that all may not agree but are willing to work together.
Are you looking for More Help and Support for Initiating Caregiving Discussions?
If you enjoy reading, Pamela’s book, The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Situations® offers real life situations, insights, and tips for caregivers.
Or, schedule a 1:1 eldercare consultation with Pamela
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