Why Are Old People Stubborn? – The Caring Generation®

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The Caring Generation® – Episode 72 February 10, 2021. On this program, caregiving expert Pamela D Wilson answers the caregiver question why are old people stubborn? Insights into why aging parents ignore suggestions or advice that might make their lives easier and safer are offered. Plus listen to Pamela’s interview with Dr. William Worden and Jose, an older man sharing his story of dealing with health losses and independence.

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Why Are Old People Stubborn: Dealing With Loss

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0:00:04.0 Announcer: Caregiving can sometimes feel like an impossible struggle. Caregivers may be torn between taking care of loved ones and trying to maintain balance in life. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. The Caring Generation, with host Pamela D. Wilson. Is here to focus on the conversation of caring. You’re not alone. In fact, you’re in exactly the right place to share stories and learn tips and resources to help you and your loved ones. So now, please welcome the host of The Caring Generation, Pamela D. Wilson.

0:00:38:0 Pamela D Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson, caregiving expert, speaker, elder care consultant, and guardian of The Caring Generation. The Caring Generation focuses on the conversation of caring, giving us permission to talk about aging, the challenges of caregiving, and everything in between. It seems that when the time comes when we need care, or we become a caregiver, our world is turned upside down – there is little dignity, little clarity, and certainly no stability. Let’s be honest, most of us prefer a life without change. It’s no surprise that needing care or becoming a caregiver changes everything.

0:01:16:54 Pamela D Wilson: The Caring Generation is here to guide you along the journey to let you know that you’re not alone. You’re in exactly the right place to share stories learn tips and resources to help you and your loved ones to plan for what’s ahead.  We’re here to create The Caring Generation.  Please invite your loved ones, family, and friends to listen to the show each week. Let’s start with a question, Why Are Old People Stubborn? Dealing with stubbornness can seem to go hand in hand with caring for aging parents. On this show, I have a couple of surprise interviews for you.

Dealing With Stubborn Parents? Learn About Common Disagreements Between Adult Children and Aging Parents

0:01:56:80 Pamela D Wilson: In thinking about creating this show and answering questions from caregivers, I went into my archives to answer the question of why are old people stubborn. I think you might find the insights offered by the two interviews during this program a very different perspective that answers that question of why are old people stubborn. Let’s talk about actions that caregivers view as stubborn—myself included—that really may not be stubbornness but a desire for survival and independence. Few caregivers, because they are usually younger adults and healthier adults, have experiences in dealing with loss. Although I can’t say that all of the changes brought about by the pandemic have certainly changed life for all of us. They have changed life for some of us.

0:02:57:73 Pamela D Wilson: Many people have lost their jobs. Elderly parents may have moved in with children instead of being moved to a care community or a nursing home. Children may be attending school at home. Parents working from home. People we know may have died from COVID. All of these life changes resulting in dealing with loss—whether we like it or not are happening. The losses inflicted by COVID were not voluntary losses. Translate this to elderly parents dealing with loss. In some cases, adult children asking why are old people stubborn translates to an aging parent trying to navigate declining health or poor memory—forgetfulness.

0:03:41:31 Pamela D Wilson: Not being able to get around as well as elderly parents once did, or trying to manage health needs like doctor appointments and medications. All the while realizing—if they have adult children—that you have your life, and probably, they’re feeling guilty about needing help. Let’s look at that for a moment. Dealing with loss and feelings of guilt, which as we know for caregivers—or at least caregivers tell me—they feel anxious and out of control. How many of you feel anxious and out of control right now? Or you have felt anxious, hurt, angry, disappointed, or afraid recently? When we feel this way, having someone—a friend, a spouse, or another person tell us that we can handle the situation can help us feel better.

0:04:33:21 Pamela D Wilson: But what if we don’t have that person to tell us that the situation will work out? As a caregiver or an elderly parent, we can push back if we’re being told to do things we don’t want to do. That pushing back leads to the question, why are old people stubborn, or why are my children being so mean? This impasse or deadlock happens for a number of reasons. Let’s begin about—talking about the feelings of the caregiver and the idea of motivation. If you are helping an elderly parent, what is your motivation? Is it to help your parent be more independent? To improve a situation, make life easier, or solve a problem?

0:05:17:88 Pamela D Wilson: If so, who benefits most from the result of your help—you or your elderly parent? That may seem like a funny question, but it can lead to the answer to why are old people stubborn? Let me share an example from my family. My mom passed away, leaving my father, who was almost 80 years old. He was fairly independent and able to live alone. Although he had a couple of falls that had my sister worried about—and she worried about leaving him alone. Our family home was in between my sister’s house and where she worked, so it was easy for her to stop by and check on dad.

0:05:55:42 Pamela D Wilson: But after a while, she thought—hmm—it might be easier if he moved closer to her. Can you see where this is going? What was my sister’s motivation? It would be easier for her to care for my dad if he lived closer to her. Why might my father be viewed as stubborn in this situation? Hmm. Let’s see. He and my mom lived in that home for 40+ years that, by the way, was built by my grandfather. There were a lot of memories in that home. My father enjoyed being outside and gardening. The yard had a nice garden area and a back porch where he liked to sit outside when the weather was nice.

0:06:38:51 Pamela D Wilson: He was familiar with the neighborhood. Knew his way to the grocery store and back. My father was still dealing with loss – my mother’s loss. My sister was trying to get him to make a change that he really didn’t want to make.  Think of your situation and dig deeper into why are old people stubborn? Is your parent dealing with loss? If you don’t know—have you asked? As a caregiver, you might be dealing with loss. What are those losses for you?

0:07:09:88 Pamela D Wilson: Can you and your stubborn parent sit down and talk about dealing with loss from both sides and come up with a middle ground to resolve feeling old people are stubborn, and your parent feeling vulnerable and pushed into a corner? A conversation might go like this. “I realize that I may be pushing you to accept in-home caregivers because it would make me feel better and worry less about you. You find something wrong with every caregiver I bring over to meet you. That is upsetting to me. Then — can we talk about this because it seems I may be pushing you to do something that you don’t want to do?

0:07:52:76 Pamela D Wilson: What are you feeling about this situation and what you want to do about it?” Might it be possible that you and your parent did not talk about this elephant in the room — or come to an agreement before you took action? If you had a conversation and came to an agreement you want to find out what has changed and what is behind your parent reversing his or her decision? When you have this conversation – listen and agree to explain the other person’s perspective. For example, mom or dad, what I’m hearing you say is the issue is X. Then your parent states what he or she hears your concerns to be.

0:08:37:43 Pamela D Wilson: Next talk about solutions. What is the best solution for everyone here? What do you need? What does your parent need? Is there any middle ground on the priority of needs? Ask what are the risks if we don’t reach an agreement? Remember—unless an elderly parent has dementia and is making unsafe decisions—a parent has the right to disagree with you and make bad decisions. If you’re not sure if a parent has dementia or you have questions about guardianship, there is an online course on my website called How to Get Guardianship of a Parent. Up next my interview with Jose about needing help. It might give you a different perspective.  I’m Pamela D Wilson on the Caring Generation. Stay with me; I’ll be right back.

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0:09:53:97 Pamela D Wilson: This is Pamela D Wilson on The Caring Generation. If you’re seeking support to avoid unexpected caregiving issues, the A to Z of caregiving is in my online caregiver course called Stay at Home: Taking Care of Elderly Parents at Home and Beyond.  More help for caregivers is also in my book, The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Changes. Information about online courses for elderly care and my caregiver book are on my website pameladwilson.com. Let’s return to the question of why are old people stubborn and the other side that children caregivers may not readily see unless mom or dad are willing to talk about how they feel.

0:10:37:97 Pamela D Wilson: In my family, my parents wanted to be independent, so they didn’t tell us—as their children—everything that was going on with their health—unless that had to because we would find out because of a hospitalization or the fact that they needed our help as a driver or to run errands or something similar. My mom had a lot of health issues, so I knew that if a “conversation” was coming, it was not going to be good. I was trained like Pavlov’s dog to know that whatever she was going to tell me about her health or my father’s health wasn’t going to be good.

0:11:17:85  Pamela D Wilson: My parents didn’t want to worry us—and I think that may have had the opposite effect of making us worry all the more about what might happen next. If you are a caregiver, you may be in this position of trying to help. Your parents resist whatever it is you’re trying to help with because mom or dad wants independence. You become frustrated and worry.  But the real issue is that we don’t have conversations about these feelings. We want to find a balance between telling stubborn parents what they should do and helping the way that a parent wants to be helped.

0:11:58:99 Pamela D Wilson: Even then, sometimes we can’t do enough to stop health issues or other things from happening. I want to share a few insights from my interview with Jose, who at the time I met him was living in a nursing home. He was living with his children, who worked all day and had difficulty managing his medications. This may help you – if you’re an adult child caregiver, see that your elderly parent isn’t being stubborn about not taking care of him or herself—a parent may want to do the right thing but may be struggling.

0:12:38:75 Jose: Because I was getting my medicines at King Sooper’s. It got to a point, you know, as you get older, you get all kind of confused, you know. And I was getting my pills there, and I was kind of getting them mixed up. And then my doctor—I was going for treatment at Denver Health. It was like, my doctor said I don’t know what I’m going to do with you, he said. He complained to my son that I wasn’t taking my pills the way I should. And my son scolded me. And I told him, I’m doing the best I can. You know I’m not in my young days anymore.  And once a person is old, you know, you feel like you’re just an obstacle.

0:13:27:59 Jose: And it was work, he works for the Denver Lumber, and she works for the VA, and I was home by myself every day with three little dogs. Which I always remember my little dogs; I had adopted one and named him Tiger. He still has him.  There I was all by myself, and there were days all by myself in that house. I had a neighbor, what 92, and I used to visit him. And he used to sleep too much, like my partner here. He sleeps too much. And I used to visit him and one day he told me—I sleep too much. He was a widow too.  He had lost his wife. It had been seven years he lost his wife, and he was staying in that house by himself. And finally, his relatives or his sons or daughters, I guess put him in a home. You know he lasted two months and died.

0:14:29:31 Pamela D Wilson: How many of you heard what Jose said? Once a person is old, you know, you feel like you’re just an obstacle? Many of our parents are dealing with loss, while all we’re wondering is why are old people so stubborn? In Jose’s condition, repeated health issues and hospitalizations resulted in a move to a nursing home. For many parents and caregiving children—a nursing home is a last resort for many reasons. Yet listen to how practical this very wise man is about his situation and where he lived at the time of our interview. So how do you like living here? What are your days like here?

0:15:12:75 Jose:  Um, I don’t know, you know it’s not—like I tell my daughter, the youngest one she’s just against it, you know. And it’s not what you want. It’s what you have to do, you know. See, I got sick quite a few times. The last time I went to the hospital, I had pancreatitis. I stayed ten days in the hospital, and my doctor from the westside, Dr. Padilla, was worried. He said I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. But I had lost my wife in 2007. She got pretty sick too. She was 70 years old. I had lost her, and then I had problems because about three or four times, I had to call 911 for on a kind of my sickness.

0:16:16:17 Jose: And that was happening to me. I was staying by myself in that house that my daughter owns, and because of my pancreatitis, I had to call 911, and they hauled me off, you know, to Denver Health. Ten days I stayed there. They kind of cured it, but you know, but then they send me here for therapy. But I can’t give up the pills. They had to be taken. That was my problem, you know. I couldn’t keep track. It’s too many pills to keep track. Then I worry that some of these days they’re going to come home and I’ll be stiff, you know.

0:17:09:04 Jose: So this way, there’s a way to avoid that. I’d like to have it, and I ended up here. They told me, they asked me do you like it there? It’s not what you like, I tell them. Sometimes you have to do it. So I’ve been here a year now, Pam.  I don’t have no complaints. You know, it—they keep track of my medicines. They feed us. The only problem is that my social security goes to the place. They allot fifty dollars, which really it’s enough for maybe razors.

0:18:00:25 Pamela D Wilson: As you heard by my conversation with Jose, he is extremely realistic and practical about dealing with loss and the necessity of living in a nursing home to prevent further ongoing health issues. Dealing with loss is part of aging that we will all face one day. Perhaps one answer to why are old people stubborn is that parents don’t want to give up their independence or rely on children for help. Let’s hope that we have the grace and the insight to adjust to change and loss throughout life.

0:18:37:75 Pamela D Wilson: Being stubborn can be positive when we have an attitude of persistence and not giving up on wanting to maintain our health, feel better, or trying to reach another goal that we’ve set for ourselves. Sometimes the issue is that we have to base our experience on the memory of life and what happened last week, last month, or last year. When we look at life this way, we reminisce about positive experiences or challenges. Living in the past may not help us create the future that we want if we don’t believe that things can be better. Let’s listen to Jose one more time talk about his life and the future.

0:19:24:05 Jose:  And I don’t know, you know, the future. I go by destiny. I figure, sometimes you don’t have to think about that all the time you know but I think the future you have to leave it alone. Maybe destiny. Because we were eight brothers and there’s only three of us left. And the kids are grown, you know. You know, like that it’s not too bad, you know, because the kids are grown. You know they go their own life. But the way their lives turn. And me and my wife. We hardly ever fought, you know. We had a disagreement sometimes. But mostly when the kids are growing, you have to stay together and kind of guide them. It’s just like a dream, you know. We stayed together 54 years, raised them all here in Denver, and I miss her, but these are things that happen. Now I’m by myself, so what can I do, you know, just too old to cut the mustard anymore (chuckle). Life anymore, you know, you have to adjust to where it takes you.

0:21:01:20 Pamela D Wilson: Life anymore, adjust to where life takes you. Such wise advice from Jose. We’re headed off to a break. I’m Pamela D Wilson on The Caring Generation. Stay with me; I’ll be right back.

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0:21:38:11 Pamela D Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson, caregiving expert – I am your host on The Caring Generation program for caregivers and aging adults. If you’re looking for help having caregiving conversations in your family, download the Caring Generation show to the cellphone of a parent, sibling, or other family members. The Caring Generation podcast is on all your favorite apps: Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Pandora, I Heart Radio, Spotify, Spreaker, Stitcher, Amazon Music, Podchaser, Jio Saavn, Vurbl, and others. Let me help start caregiving conversations for you.

0:22:17:83 Pamela D Wilson:  Let’s take a step back and talk about caregivers and the idea of accepting help. Caregivers are notoriously bad about self-sacrifice—meaning that caregivers are willing to give up almost everything in their lives to care for a parent. Giving up free time, friends, a career, paying for care for elderly parents, delaying college—all of these sacrifices can lead to children asking why are old people so stubborn when parents resist help. Asking for help is a positive activity that can help move us forward in all aspects of life—if we know the type of help we want or need.  This “knowing” is part of the challenge for caregivers.

0:23:08:88 Pamela D Wilson: When you don’t know what to expect when you can’t predict what might happen with the health of an elderly parent—it’s like driving with a blindfold. You don’t know what bumps in the road you’ll hit or if the actions you are taking will result in harm to you or your family. Some of you might be thinking, what is she talking about? Harm to me or my family from caring for aging parents? Here’s a couple of scenarios. Adult children, married with kids, or empty nesters invite elderly parents to live with them because they think the situation of being under one roof will be easier. Somehow that memory of being 18 and wanting to move out of our parent’s home to have our independence is erased from our minds.

0:23:59:36 Pamela D Wilson: There’s nothing like inviting a parent into your home who may criticize everything you do even when you have given up a job to stay home to care for mom or dad. Or you’ve given up your job to be a caregiver, and you and your husband are using his income and your savings to pay for the care of a parent. These are the selfless acts that caregivers do that harm your health, marriages, careers, income, savings, and possibly the ability of your children to go to college and more. Thinking of the question of why are old people stubborn gives way to the question—why are caregivers so stubborn?

0:24:42:76 Pamela D Wilson: Is there really only one way to do things? Does it have to be the way that caregivers want things done that they think makes life easier for them—like moving parents into their home? Or could it be finding ways to allow parents to continue to live in their homes and bring in outside help? Rather than jumping in with all four feet thinking that it will be easier if the caregiver takes over and fixes things, why not allow mom or dad the opportunity to figure out ways to get help before committing more of your time.

0:25:17:28 Pamela D Wilson: Creating balance in a relationship with a parent allows you to avoid conflict that can arise in caregiving situations when the caregiver feels taken advantage of out of hurt, anger, or disappointment related to why are old people stubborn and why does all of this caregiving fall on me while no one else in the family is helping. How many times does a caregiving situation where the primary caregiver becomes angry because brothers and sisters aren’t helping? If we flip this thought on its head—are brothers and sisters not helping because they have better boundary-setting skills than the caregiver?

0:26:03:42 Pamela D Wilson: WOW, that question probably raises some eyebrows. Children who don’t become intertwined in the lives of parents may have better ongoing and satisfying relationships. That doesn’t mean that these caregivers don’t wish they could do more or that they don’t feel guilty at times. But overall, these might be the children who start out having discussions about caregiving and what they can and can’t do. These might be the caregiving children who take online courses for elderly care or join a support group so that they can learn to avoid the stress experienced by caregivers who say they are emotionally burdened.

0:26:45:84 Pamela D Wilson: This isn’t to say that one side – caregivers who feel emotionally burdened by caring for elderly parents versus caregivers who set boundaries and encourage parents to make plans for care—is better than the other. These are two opposite perspectives based on the history, memory, and experience of the individual. For example, I watched my mother experience poor health beginning in my teens. Even though I loved my mother, I did not want to be at all like her from a health perspective.  I saw days of not feeling well. I was her driver for late-night trips to the emergency room, doctor appointments.

0:27:29:51 Pamela D Wilson:  On the other hand, there were many good times that I remember, so there was a balance. Because of my mother’s experiences, I spent time researching and investigating health and how to be healthy. I joined a gym and spent time with people who were interested in health. I learned from them. I could have followed in my mother’s footsteps. Taken up cigarette smoking. Allowed the stress in my life to result in eating junk food. I could have gained weight and suffered from the same medical conditions as my mother. Why? Because that was the behavior that she modeled for me through her behaviors.

0:28:13:35 Pamela D Wilson: Why didn’t I follow in her footsteps? Because there was a part of my mother that taught me to be fiercely independent and positive. Even though she had more bad days than good—she was stoic. She never complained, and most of all, she NEVER – EVER told me what to do. Even when I could have benefitted from her advice. Because of watching this part of her, I made mistakes, and I learned from them. My mother didn’t shield me from difficult situations. She expected me to learn from them. Why are old people stubborn? Are our parents trying to teach us something?

0:28:58:78 Pamela D Wilson: What can we learn from dealing with stubborn elderly? There are lessons everywhere if we’re willing to flip situations upside down and look at them from a different perspective. So—while, like Jose, there is a point in life where we must adjust and accept circumstances in our lives, there is also a time to fight for things in which we believe and remain positive. Consider the words of Jose to be a lesson in humility and practicality. It’s amazing when we listen, the lessons that we can gain about life. As individuals, we can slow down and be deliberate in finding the wisdom and the help that we need.

0:29:44:78 Pamela D Wilson: Are there lessons that your elderly parents might share with you if you ask and listen rather than seeing them as stubborn? Have you asked the question, what’s behind the refusals and the stubbornness that I’m seeing?  Where does that come from? You may hear stories about your grandparents and other family members who went through great challenges. And you may be surprised. You might be surprised by the answer from your parent when you ask why are old people stubborn? Up next, my interview with Dr. James William Worden about dealing with loss and grief. All of the wonderful people who agree to share their experiences with me for this podcast and other projects I work on are my teachers—they can be your teachers too.

0:30:36:24 Pamela D Wilson: I spoke with Dr. Worden about grief and the loss of parents. Dr. Worden is well-known in the field of grief and loss through his work at Harvard Medical School and the Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology in California. He was a co-principal investor—investigator for Harvard’s Child Bereavement Study and the author of books Personal Death AwarenessChildren & Grief: When a Parent Dies; and Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner that is used around the world. Our interview may give you a new way of looking at caring for elderly parents. I’m Pamela D Wilson on The Caring Generation. Visit my website for caregiver support in my caregiving library, online caregiver support group, my book, videos.  and online courses for elderly care on my website at www.PamelaDWilson.com. Stay with me. We’ll be right back.

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0:32:02:12 Pamela D Wilson: This is Pamela D Wilson. You’re with me on The Caring Generation, giving us permission to talk about aging, the challenges of caregiving, and everything in between, including uncomfortable topics that we’d sometimes like to avoid. Listen and share all of the podcasts from The Caring Generation. You can find them on my website pameladwilson.com. Go to the Media Tab and scroll down to The Caring Generation.  On that topic of subjects that may be a little uncomfortable to discuss, I’d like to share my conversation with Dr. James William Worden on the topic of losing a parent.

0:32:41:44 Pamela D Wilson: Is there a difference in the significance of the loss depending on the age at which we lose a parent. For example, I lost my mom when I was 35. If I wouldn’t have lost her until 60, would I have felt different?

0:32:52:38 Dr. James William Worden: No, I think, well, it’s part of it is the kind of relationship you have with a parent. Whether you’re 35 or you’re 60. Many times, parent-child relationships are very ambivalent. That is, you love the person, but there are times when you could really strangle them. And so I think, uh, if you had a good relationship with a parent, whether you are 35 or 65, you’re going to be able to feel the sadness that goes with that loss and then to be able to move on. But if you have a kind of conflicted relationship with that parent, whether you’re 35 or 65, then that conflicted relationship over the years is going to leave you with a lot of anger that they died and a lot of guilt.  You know—should I have done more for them kind of thing?  So, what you want for the best adjustment is a reasonably good relationship between the parent and the child.

dealing with loss0:33:48:34 Pamela D Wilson: How many of us feel like Dr. Worden described, time when we love our parents—or any person in our life and times when we’d like to strangle them – literally speaking. Caregiving can be a love-hate relationship with our elderly parents or the person for whom we care. What we sometimes forget as a caregiver for an aging parent is that our parent won’t be around forever. The problem is that we are not always graced with this insight unless we have lost other people or things in our life.

0:34:23:58 Pamela D Wilson: Depending on your personal experience, loss can be emotionally painful because the thing or person that you lost is gone. Dealing with loss means that we miss our memories or the history of what happened yesterday, last week, last year. A parent dies. We lose a job. A break-up or a divorce happens. For elderly parents, physical abilities and memory can fade. Jose talked about having difficulty managing all of the medications that he had to take.

0:34:57:90 Pamela D Wilson: Instead of retreating or avoiding issues like we can do when we feel pushed – hint: how parents may respond to adult children who are pushing them to do things they don’t’ want to do. If we can flip the situation in our minds and think of the opportunity. Ask what is good about this situation—and know that we can work this out. This is the idea of flexible thinking. Let’s listen to Dr. Worden share his experience about the death of a parent.

0:35:33:05 Dr. James William Worden: Thinking about the death of a parent at any age can make people anxious and feel unsafe because the basic role of a parent is to make the child feel safer. And thinking about losing the parent, even if you’re very well-functioning. I know when I got the call early in the morning that my father had died. Ah, you know the house turned surprisingly cold, and I thought, how am I going to live without my father? But, you know I was an adult. I had been managing my own life for years. But there is that sort of regressive experience that happens when a parent dies.

0:36:13:05 Pamela D Wilson: How did hearing that make you feel. Can you match that feeling to the feeling you feel when you ask why are old people stubborn? Flexible thinking can be accomplished when we think of something worrisome and match it to a feeling from another experience. So, for example, we’re angry with an aging parent or a spouse, but we think of a happy song that we like. Or we stop to imagine how we might feel if that person disappeared from our life today. Flipping situations in our mind can help us manage through dealing with loss, disappointments, hurt, anger and fear. All of us can learn this skill after we think about situations that make us happy instead of sad or frustrated. This is a good exercise to manage through a day when we’re asking ourselves why are old people stubborn. Let me add a little more for you to think about on this subject.

0:37:14:26 Dr. James William Worden: It—it takes a while, whatever your age and whatever the loss, to realize all that you’ve lost when you’ve lost that person. For a widow, you know, may have a lot of support at the funeral. But then three months, four months, six months later, you’re beginning to realize all you’ve lost when your husband died—a friend, bedwarmer, bill payer, etc. etc.  So I think the realization of the losses and the impact of a loss takes a certain time. But the problem is that people come and they say, “Hey, it’s been six months. Life is for the living. You know, move forward.” And they don’t realize that it’s just at six months that a lot of these dimensions of loss are coming to the awareness of the person who is the survivor.

0:38:01:08 Pamela D. Wilson:  Well and I know with us when my mom passed away—my dad passed away years later we were much more sensitive to the fact that you know, we probably only have him for a limited period of time and we don’t know how long he’s going to survive because he’s grieving her death while we’re doing the same thing.

0:39:13:42 Dr. James William Worden You know whether it’s your dad who is left or you have kids and a family, you don’t want to be overly solicitous. But on the other hand, the reality is that when they’re gone, they’re gone. And there are many times that I would like to, you know, ask my mother some question about something about family history and so forth and it’s just not possible. And it sounds very naïve to say that, but when you get into that realization, they are gone. And so, I think that should motivate us to pay a little more attention to our parents if they are aging or even to our kids.

0:38:55:38 Pamela D Wilson: So much wisdom for us to think about. Whether you are the aging adult or the caregiver who sometimes feels a need to retreat or pull away, know that it’s okay to do this for a period of time to collect your thoughts. Regroup and think of a way to flip whatever situation that you are holding in your mind to be positive. Know that it’s okay to tell a parent, a spouse, or a friend that you need some time to think about what is upsetting to you and then come back to the discussion a day later or a week later.

0:39:30:87 Pamela D Wilson: The way around dealing with loss or asking why old people are stubborn is to look at our motivations. Why we think the way that we do. To flip the situation and think from the opposite perspective and then to realize that we don’t have to be the person that fixes everything. Our aging parents or spouse have a part to create a solution that’s best for everyone. As Jose said earlier, it’s not always what you want—it’s what you have to do.”  Next week we’ll be talking about the duties to care for the elderly—what does it really take to succeed and feel good about your role as a caregiver or guardian? Listeners – you are amazing. The care that you provide to elderly parents, spouses, grandparents, and clients is so needed.

0:40:29:09 Pamela D Wilson: Thank you for being proactive and interested in health and well-being. Share The Caring Generation and my website pameladwilson.com with your family and workplace so that we can make caregiving something we talk about. The podcasts of all the shows are on my website at PamelaDWilson.com.  Thank you for joining me. Invite your family and friends to join us each week. I am Pamela D. Wilson, caregiving expert, advocate, and speaker. I look forward to being with you again next Wednesday. God bless you all. Sleep well tonight. Have a fabulous day and a great week until we are together again.

0:41:10:46  Announcer: Tune in each week for The Caring Generation with host Pamela D. Wilson. Come join the conversation and see how Pamela can provide solutions and peace of mind for everyone here on Pamela D. Wilson’s The Caring Generation.

Looking for Answers to Why Are Old People Stubborn and Other Common Caregiving Questions? Visit Pamela’s Blog, Caring for Aging Parents

 

©2021 Pamela D Wilson, All Rights Reserved

 

 

About Pamela Wilson

PAMELA D. WILSON, MS, BS/BA, NCG, CSA helps caregivers and aging adults solve caregiving problems and manage caregiving needs through online programs, live support groups, and an extensive caregiving library that includes articles, podcasts, videos, and webinars.

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