Should a Son Provide Personal Care for His Mother?
Should a son provide personal care for his mother? More and more men are caring for their mothers. Some live with their mothers in the family home, or vice versa; mothers live with their sons.
These situations happen when a mother is older and divorced or widowed. Initially personal care may have been provided by a spouse.
If you are a son, you might wonder what personal care means. Let’s define personal care and look at examples to help you understand why personal care assistance becomes necessary so you can determine how comfortable you might be in providing personal care to your mother if you are a son.
What is Personal Care?
Personal care is assistance with private hygiene tasks like bathing, dressing, shaving, skin care, foot care, mouth care, and grooming that includes hair care, trimming finger and toe nails, using the toilet, changing incontinence pads or underwear, emptying catheter bags, and so on.
Women who have children traditionally provide these types of activities. Babies and children need personal care until they can perform these tasks independently without assistance. Adults perform these activities every day without really thinking about them.
However, with age, personal care tasks can become challenging. Because of physical weakness, injuries, or health conditions, older adults can find performing hygiene tasks, bathing, and dressing difficult or exhausting. An elderly mother diagnosed with dementia or any memory loss diagnosis can forget to put on new clothing, comb her hair, brush her teeth, or use the toilet.
Typically, an elderly mother would be more comfortable talking to a daughter about these issues. Yet, not all families have daughters and sons. In some cases, parents may have an only child who is a son, or if there are multiple sons, one son who feels responsible for caring for an elderly mother.
Embarrassment About Discussing Personal Care Needs
Talking about these challenges can be embarrassing for anyone who is incontinent or has difficulty performing daily tasks related to personal hygiene. Few adults want to admit urine leaking or urgency, the need for a catheter, being unable to safely move in and out of a bathtub or a shower, or difficulty standing up from the toilet because of weak legs or arms or poor balance.
These are matters of personal dignity and privacy. Older adults can be embarrassed to discuss these issues with their doctors. Talking with a son may be equally uncomfortable.
What usually happens is that women begin managing issues like incontinence, and with time, physical issues make doing other tasks more difficult. If there is a spouse, a husband may be comfortable initially helping with personal care.
However, if a diagnosis of dementia exists and a wife refuses to bathe or change clothing, a husband may not know how to respond. If a wife becomes physically weak and is a fall risk, a husband may be concerned about potential injuries to his wife or himself if a wife loses her balance and begins to fall. A husband may also be uncomfortable helping with washing private body parts.
In this case, a father may look to a son or sons for recommendations or assistance. In other cases, a father may pass away, leaving a mother to care for herself. Mothers uncomfortable about discussing personal care needs with a son may hide issues like incontinence.
Comfort Levels in Providing Personal Care
If sisters have been providing personal care, they can criticize a brother for not providing personal care, as if a brother should know what to do without being asked or shown.
The question remains: Is it appropriate for sons to provide personal care, such as bathing and incontinence care, for their mothers?
Some son caregivers, who are doctors, nurses, EMR responders, or who work in other areas of the healthcare industry, are comfortable providing personal care for a mother because they do these activities during their daily work.
Other sons begin helping and then feel overwhelmed by seeing and doing more than expected. These sons help mothers to the toilet, clean up after toileting, and change soiled incontinence products.
It depends on the mother-son relationship and how comfortable the son is in providing this care. Another question is the level of detail or attention the son can and is willing to provide.
One option to help sons decide how much personal care is enough or too much is to request a physical and occupational therapy order from a mother’s physician. As long as there is a need, this service is offered through Medicare or Medicaid. A physical therapist can provide strengthening exercises.
An occupational therapist can make recommendations specific to personal hygiene and home safety. Occupational therapists also provide caregiver training for safe transfers into a shower or tub, and showering or toileting techniques.
With this information, a son can decide whether he is comfortable or should provide personal care for his mother.
Should A Son Provide Personal Care for a Mother?
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How Much Personal Care Is Enough or Too Much for a Son to Provide?
This is where comfort levels and boundaries get a little gray. Is a son comfortable thoroughly washing his mother’s private parts? Will he do a total body skin check and apply prescribed treatments so there is no skin breakdown?
In some cases, more detailed personal care is beyond what a son would choose to do for a mother. For example, changing a catheter bag would be a task if a mother has a catheter. However, making sure that the catheter’s entry point into the body is cleaned daily may be off-limits from a “being comfortable doing this” perspective.
Alternatively, a mother may not want her son performing these detailed activities.
Then there are time constraints. If a mother lives alone or with a son and a son works, how much personal care is needed? If a mother has memory loss or another condition that prevents her from toileting, it is wise to leave mom home call day in potentially soiled incontinence products. The risks are skin breakdown and potential urinary tract infections.
Alternatives to a son providing personal care for his mother are hiring a care agency to offer this support or, if necessary, placing a mother in a care community where these services are offered.
Personal care is an important area of caregiving that must not be neglected. It’s okay to be a son who is comfortable or uncomfortable providing personal care for a mother.
Know what you are comfortable doing, have boundary discussions with your mother, and obtain the necessary support to ensure your mom has the care she needs.
Find similar articles in Pamela’s Aging Issues and Solutions Library or her Caring for Aging Blog.
Interested in learning more? Visit Pamela’s YouTube Page for answers to questions that caregivers ask.
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