How Adult Children Manipulate Elderly Parents

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How Adult Children Manipulate Elderly Parents

In caregiving relationships, adult children can manipulate elderly parents, or elderly parents can manipulate adult children who might be their caregivers. When manipulative behavior negatively affects an older adult, manipulation can be a type of elder abuse that results in financial abuse or exploitation, neglect, emotional, or physical abuse.

If you’re not familiar with the word manipulation, it means purposely misleading another person physically or verbally to deliver a response or action that benefits the manipulator. For example a family member who is intimidating or controlling can be manipulative.

While talking about elder abuse can be uncomfortable, research confirms that elder abuse most often happens within families. Elder abuse manifests in different ways.

• Self-neglect, the most common type of elder abuse, occurs when an elderly person fails to take care of their own needs. They don’t bathe, brush their teeth, or wash their hair. Basic daily actions fall by the wayside or are forgotten. This can happen with knowing or not knowing in the case of a diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer’s disease.
• Neglect occurs when a family caregiver, who may be a spouse, an adult child, a grandchild, or a friend, agrees to provide care and does not follow through. Agents acting under a power of attorney relationship can neglect their fiduciary duty when they fail to fulfill their obligations.
• Financial abuse occurs when people use an elderly person’s money for a personal benefit.

Let’s look at both sides of manipulation to recognize how it happens and how adult children can manipulate elderly parents when they are in a caregiving role.

Manipulation by Elderly Parents

When thinking of manipulation in caregiving relationships, it is more common to assume a spouse or adult child caregiver is being manipulated by an elderly parent. This happens when caregivers:

• Feel guilty that they are not doing enough because an an elderly parent has unrealistic expectations of the caregiver
• Feel responsible for an elderly parent’s happiness, the caregiver wants to feel appreciated
• Respond to constant emergencies, dramatic behaviors, or emotional outbursts instead of setting boundaries
• Reinforce a parent’s attention-seeking behaviors by changing plans and giving up the caregiver’s priorities, thereby teaching a parent that their demands are a higher priority than the caregiver’s
• Delay medical care because of the time consuming nature of an elderly parent’s ongoing needs

In general, people who are manipulative can have a lack of empathy for others. In this case, a demanding elderly parent may be manipulating an adult child so that their needs are met.

The behaviors of manipulative elderly parents can negatively impact an adult child’s work life, friends, social activities, marriage, and so on. Most caregivers begin with a few hours a week and often fail to discuss parameters for additional time or assistance, resulting in their lives being consumed by caregiving tasks and responsibilities.

Society, family members, or culture may affirm that adult children have a duty and responsibility to care for their elderly parents. In a perfect scenario, duty and responsibility are defined by clear parameters and boundaries to ensure that neither party—the caregiver nor the elderly parent—is harmed.

What Are Signs of Manipulation?

So how do adult children manipulate elderly parents? Some of the first signs of caregiver manipulation include a lack of transparency, refusal to communicate, and isolation of an elderly parent. The manipulator can act very differently when in public by being attentive and then privately manipulate and control an elderly parent.

Transparency and sharing information are essential in all relationships, particularly those involving caregiving. The moment an elderly parent, a brother or sister, or other family members begin hiding or withholding information, their actions can lead to a lack of trust.

Upon hearing this, it is good to understand the difference between privacy and transparency.

Privacy is an individual’s right to determine how their personal information is shared so that others do not intrude on their life. This means the right to have personal matters kept private and not publicized.

While caring for an elderly parent can be a personal matter, when family members are involved, it is essential to share information. Sharing rather than withholding information can foster positive working relationships, rather than creating family division, drama, or conflict.

Hiding information can raise suspicions about the intentions or behaviors of the person who refuses to share information. This lack of sharing can be a form of control, which is another type of elder abuse.

In these circumstances, it can be easy to assume that the person withholding information is manipulating the situation or manipulating an elderly parent.

If you are a person subjected to manipulation, here’s what the manipulator may be saying:

• “I only want to do the best for you.”
• “No one cares for you as much as I do.”
• “I asked X and Y (insert a name). They don’t have time to help.”
• “Look at all I do for you.”
• “It’s just you and me, there’s no one else.”
• “We have to take care of each other.”
• “Don’t tell X about this, it’s our secret.”

These statements can be filled with dishonesty, a touch of drama, and self-serving behavior. The goal of the manipulator is to cause separation among family members. .

The manipulator seeks to create paranoia, distrust, and fear. Rather than allowing the manipulator to intimidate, contact someone you trust and ask for their support.

Signs of Elderly Being Manipulated

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What To Do If an Elderly Parent Is Being Manipulated?

Most family members are unsure of what to do when they discover manipulation in the form of influencing or controlling an elderly parent or loved one. While they recognize a problem, taking action against another family member may feel intimidating.

Most caregivers, including adult children, turn the other way because they lack the skills to confront the manipulator. All the while, the manipulator recognizes their power to intimidate and drive others away because of their skills. The manipulator becomes a formidable adversary.

Depending on how long the manipulation has been occurring, the manipulator values protecting their privacy, actions, and ability to control. In many cases, an elderly parent is isolated and unaware of the extent to which the manipulator has gone to make sure no one else finds out what is happening behind the scenes.

If you are unsure whether manipulation is happening in your family, let’s look at the behaviors of people who manipulate.

• Drama, drama queens, drama kings, the person in your family who throws a big, huge, colossal fit about issues to turn them into a major crisis to get attention. A manipulator exaggerates situations to make them seem worse than they are and then acts as if they are the person who saves the day.

If constructive feedback is given or the intentions of the manipulator are questioned, the manipulator reacts defensively, making the behaviors of the questioner the problem. The manipulator takes no responsibility for their behaviors. Instead, they blame others.

• Gaslighting is a sign of psychological manipulation, where the actions of one person cause another person to question their judgment or memory.

Gaslighting is a tactic used to gain power and control in a relationship. It is more effective when an elderly parent has dementia or Alzheimer’s, bringing their memory into question. You might hear statements or excuses like “Mom and I talked about that, she agreed. She forgets everything.”

Examples of Potentially Manipulative Situations

 It may not always be easy to identify manipulative behaviors.

• Do you have a person in your life who relies on you to solve their problems?

This person might be manipulating you by dropping their problems on you instead of learning how to deal with them themselves. Ask how they plan to solve the problem rather than trying to be the fixer. On the other hand, becoming the “go-to person” for solutions can create dependency, which is also a form of manipulation.

• Does anyone you know criticize?

Criticizing others may be a way of separating from another person or issue. Nitpicking mistakes, blame-shifting, or criticizing are forms of manipulation. If the criticism is not constructive or helpful, then the intention can be harmful.

• Does someone in your family mislead others or hide information?

A caregiver who purposely does not share the seriousness of a parent’s medical condition makes it difficult for others to have a complete understanding of the situation. By controlling the information that is shared, the manipulator controls the responses of others.

If a parent has dementia, Mom or Dad may not remember the amount of money in their bank account. Your sibling may write a check or withdraw cash for themselves using Mom or Dad’s money as if it were their own.

• Does a sibling limit access to visit or talk to a parent on the phone?

What do they have to hide? What are they doing that they wouldn’t want anyone else in the family to know about? What secrets is this person keeping from everyone?

If you notice any of these examples in your family, ask questions about the intention behind the actions.

Does the manipulator want to divide the family, control Mom or Dad, isolate Mom or Dad, or turn family disagreements into all-out battles? What does this person have to gain or protect?

Manipulation of an elderly parent is a form of power and control. While most people may not see manipulation to be a form of elder abuse, it is if it’s causing physical or emotional harm, isolation, or financial harm.

Manipulation that causes harm to an elderly person is a reportable offense to the police and APS, adult protective services, if issues around manipulation cannot be managed within a family.

Solutions for Family Manipulation

 After recognizing manipulation as a problem, the best way to deal with it is to bring concerns into the open.

 If there are multiple siblings, schedule a family meeting to establish acceptable behaviors and set boundaries. Additionally,

• Establish clear ground rules for discussing concerns. Require facts and information.
• Establish transparency principles for conversations and information sharing to eliminate hidden information.
• Eliminate “side conversations.” Everyone is in the conversation, or no one is. Triangulation, talking about family members who are not present, is a form of manipulation.

If you have a manipulator in your family, you may dread confronting them. Think about this. If the manipulator is the primary person caring for Mom or Dad, how do you think your parents feel? 

It is possible that your parents encouraged or modeled manipulative behavior in your family. You may have recognized this while other siblings did not.

Today, your parents may be regretting their actions. They don’t know how to get away from your controlling brother or sister. If your sibling is so attached and entrenched with your parents, trying to separate them can be a challenging task.

In addition to the above suggestions, create a timeline of events and a list of factual evidence. Worry less about creating more conflict or problems and more about helping an elderly parent who cannot help themselves.

If you’re at a point where someone is manipulating and harming your parent, there’s already a problem in your family. If you have siblings who you don’t trust or don’t like and are harming your parents, there’s already a problem in your family.

You can make the problem worse by keeping it a secret by allowing the manipulation, harm, and abuse to continue.  Your failure to act contributes to the problem.

What Are You Willing to Do to Stop Manipulation?

While you may be worried about causing conflict in your family, how much more harm will you allow to happen to Mom or Dad before you take action?

If you were in your parents’ position, might you hope that one of your children would stand up to the others and say, “This isn’t right. It has to stop.”

To stop the abuse, you need factual information, evidence, documentation of suspicious events, proof of financial harm, or harm to a parent’s health through the efforts of the manipulative person.

If you have this information, practical steps might include:

1. Meeting with the manipulator to attempt to understand why the behavior is happening.
2. Hosting a family meeting to discuss concerns around manipulation and ways to stop manipulation and harm.
3. Contacting adult protective services (APS) and the police to make a report and request an investigation. This is helpful if you suspect financial abuse but do not have access to information to substantiate the concern.
4. Considering whether to pursue guardianship or conservatorship if an elderly parent is cognitively impaired and evidence exists to substantiate abuse, neglect, or financial exploitation. If the abuser is a guardian or conservator, consider filing a petition to seek removal and replacement.
5. Making a report to the Attorney General’s office to provide evidence to determine if criminal charges can be filed.

If the facts and evidence you have are valid, accept that there will be conflict with the manipulator. Other family members may react negatively because you have brought family matters into the open.

Your parent may be angry because they felt they had to protect your manipulative brother or sister, or they may be too cognitively impaired to realize what is happening. This protection by a parent happens most often when adult children and parents have been in a longstanding co-dependent relationship, an adult child has not moved out of the house to become financially and physically independent, or an elderly parent has dementia.

Stopping elder abuse by doing the hard thing can be the right thing to do.

While taking action may be emotionally stressful, it is the right thing to do if your elderly parents are suffering at the hands of a manipulative sibling, family member, or friend.

If your efforts haven’t been successful or if you’re trying to develop an action plan because you are witnessing a manipulative family eldercare situation, schedule a 1:1 consultation with Pamela D. Wilson.

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