What to Consider When Moving Elderly Parents Out of Their Home

Moving elderly parents out of their homes to a care community may be an emotionally stressful event for family caregivers. Spouses who can no longer care for a spouse often have to make a similar decision. Learn how to overcome feelings of caregiver guilt and move ahead knowing the steps that can result in a successful move.

When Is It Time to Move?

Few families discuss moving elderly parents to a care community long before the need arises. Many caregivers and aging adults believe that home will be home forever.

Individual health needs can change unexpectedly placing more work on family caregivers. Alternatively older adults can believe they are healthier than they are. This is the idea of unrealistic optimism discussed in the episode from The Caring Generation below.

Advancing or Unexpected Care Needs Can Indicate It’s Time to Consider Moving Elderly Parents Out of Their Home

What then happens when care needs increase beyond what is practical or reasonable for the caregiver?

Advancing care needs can result from changes in daily routines that require more time or additional tasks. For example, the physical needs of an elderly parent or spouse who may need assistance with sitting or standing may be more than a caregiver of small stature can safely provide.

When the health or safety needs of the caregiver or the person receiving care become a concern, home situations may require adjustments. In the early stages of care, using safety equipment like handheld shower attachments and bath seats may be sufficient.

As health worsens and the physical abilities of the care receiver become greater, providing more hands-on care and completing all of the daily tasks may be too much for the caregiver. For caregivers of persons with memory loss, the increase of repetitive behavior or insecurity about being alone can become emotionally wearing.

Additionally, the stress of caring for loved ones impacts caregiver health. While everyone likes to believe that good health lasts forever, this is unrealistic thinking.  Eventually something happens to the caregiver or the person who needs care that changes the home care situation.

The Caring Generation® Podcast: Interviews with Older Adults About Moving Out of Their Home to a Care Community

This episode of The Caring Generation originally aired on 630 KHOW-AM radio. Listen to an interview with Pamela D Wilson and older adults in the Denver metro area who shared their experiences about moving to retirement communities.

Moving to a care community can be a positive or negative experience. Some agencies that offer to help individuals find a place to live are paid by the communities they recommend, so they may not be working in the best interests of the elderly adults they serve.

For this reason, it’s important for individuals and families considering a move to be proactive in identifying signs that it’s time to move and making time to identify, tour, and select potential communities before the need arises. This means having more than three days to find a community if one is discharged from a hospital or a nursing home and cannot return home to live independently.

Click on the arrow at the left in the audio player below to listen to this insightful interview with older adults who have moved to care communities.

Listen to all of The Caring Generation podcasts, read the show transcripts, and find additional information on Pamela’s podcast page. 

Family Denial Can Exist About the Moving Elderly Parents Out of the Home

When the time comes to consider moving a spouse or an elderly parent out of the home, other family members may object. For the most part, the objecting family members are not usually providing the majority of care.

If others in the family want to assume total care responsibility, this can be an option to delay or prevent a move to a care community. When responsibilities are to be transferred from the primary caregiver, it is important that potential family caregivers have a clear understanding of the tasks and time involved.

An invitation to spend one to two weeks as the primary caregiver can confirm whether the intention of taking over as the caregiver is realistic.

Moving Care from Here to There

Sometimes, a family home may need to be sold to provide funds to pay for the care community. If this is the case, careful coordination for timing may be a consideration to ensure a short time frame for the move and the closing date of the sale.

There may also be the additional details of cleaning out the home and giving away or donating furniture and other items. This activity in itself can feel like another job for the caregiver.

A move for the person needing care means adjusting to a new home, a new routine, and meeting new people. The caregiver will have a time adjustment meaning time on their hands.

While the care situation moves, the caregiver may still feel the need to visit daily or be highly involved. As confidence in the care staff’s ability grows, caregivers may feel a sense of relief, which means they can spend more time on themselves, their needs, and their lives.

Steps for Moving Elderly Parents Out of Their Home

1 Consideration and Pre-Planning

Thinking about moving before the need arises is wise and allows families to avoid making decisions in a crisis. Below is a list of items for consideration that can help with thinking about and planning for a future move.

• Set a list of criteria and care needs, i.e., a financial budget, location, need for hands-on physical assistance, on-site medical care, room size, activities, community transportation, and other amenities.
• Consult the financial planner or CPA, specific to budgeting, tax consequences, etc. Project how long current resources will last and whether investigating the state Medicaid program will be necessary.
• If Medicaid is a consideration, this will impact the list of communities for consideration. Not all assisted living or memory care communities accept Medicaid, and Medicaid beds in skilled nursing communities can be limited or have wait lists. Be sure to understand the process and timing for filing a Medicaid long-term care application.
• Gather printed information with a loved one’s medical history, medications, vaccinations, and other relevant information to share with the care community so that they can estimate care needs and costs.
• Complete a DNR form at the doctor’s office by scheduling an Advance Care Planning visit.
• If legal planning has not been completed, take steps to create documents: a medical and financial durable power of attorney, a living will, a will, or a trust.
• Begin thinking about how you will plan and use your time when the role of caregiver transfers to the community care staff. Many caregivers give up hobbies, friends, and social activities only to find themselves at a loss when they have time to devote to these activities after moving elderly parents to a care community.

2 Research

Researching the variety of communities in your area can be a fun and interesting project if you have time and can do this without pressure. Various communities and services exist, from independent living to smaller personal care homes, mid- and large-size assisted living, memory care, nursing home care, and continuing care communities with various living options at the same location.

• Conduct online research, contact information and referral services, and contact community organizations to compile a list of communities to contact.
• Call communities that meet criteria and care needs. Request digital brochures, pricing, services, room availability and sizes, waitlist timing, etc.
• Call the ombudsman for the community and check reports on the state Department of Social and Health Services website.

3 Tour Planning: Schedule Community Tours

Visiting communities to meet the staff, learn about services, and see other residents is the best way to make an informed decision. Choosing a community and moving a loved one or yourself is a life-changing event.  Here are more steps to consider.

• After reviewing the information from the communities, eliminate those that do not meet your criteria.
• Create a standard list of questions so that you ask each community for the same information and can compare the results.
• Schedule tours around mealtime if possible. Have breakfast, lunch, or dinner in the community to see the residents. In what way are the residents similar or different from the loved one you want to move into the community?
• Ask the person giving the tour if you can meet the executive director and other management staff. If this cannot be accomplished at the first visit and you remain interested, require these introductions at the second visit.

4 Community Tours and Meetings

As a potential resident or the caregiver of an elderly parent moving out of their home, asking questions and the RIGHT questions is important to making a good decision. Create and take a list of questions so that you have a point of comparison.

• Document responses to your list of questions.
• Use a mobile device or a camera to take pictures where permitted. Communities usually allow photos if you do not include residents or staff without their permission.
• Take measurements if room layouts are not available in the printed materials for the community.
• Obtain a list of staff names and their contact information.
• Requests information for visiting medical providers, insurance plans if relevant, pharmacy delivery, and other on-site healthcare services.
• Ask about the availability of in-room cameras, call buttons, or fall-detection devices

5 Post-Tour Information Review

After the excitement of touring is over, your head may be swimming with information. The more communities you visit, the greater the difficulty in choosing. In some cases you’ll know right away when you walk in the door. Seeing others, you may not be so sure.

This is why it’s important to have a list of questions and answers that you can compare, as well as pricing, amenities, services, and other options.

• Review the community information by creating an “apples to apples” comparison of responses to your questions.
• Consider your loved one’s needs and preferences and your impression of the community’s ability to meet care needs.
• Reduce the list to no more than 1-3 communities.
• If your loved one can participate, schedule a time for a second visit and the community assessment so that you can receive a cost estimate for care.
• Ask for copies of the contracts from the communities.
• Understand the levels of care, the maximum amount of care that can be provided, point systems for care, or add-on costs. Understand why your loved one might be asked to leave the community.
• Be wary of contracts that include “arbitration” statements that waive your rights to a jury trial in the event of neglect or injuries.

6 Choose the Community and Create a Move-In Timeline

Minimally disruptive caregiving involves discussing the communities with a loved one to offer them the opportunity to ask questions even though they may not like the idea of having to move. When elderly parents move out of their homes, they can be involved in the decision, making the transition easier. However, this is not always possible.

• Discuss each community with your loved one to confirm if they have a preference. Then, contact the community to discuss move-in timing or being placed on a waitlist.
• Confirm a timeline and what information the community needs BEFORE the move-in date
• Have your loved one sign the community contract unless you are the MDPOA, POA, or trustee. If so, sign in the appropriate manner
• Create a timeline with the steps that need to be completed before the move.
• Schedule movers.
• Create a moving day plan that includes setting up the room before taking your loved one to the community.

7 Adapting to a New Daily Routine

Change can be challenging for the caregiver and for elderly parents. Having a positive mindset that focuses on making the best of the move can ease the stress of moving.

• Ensure your loved one has everything they need in their new home. Create an inventory list of personal needs items that you can replace as needed. If your loved one has hobbies like reading, confirm if a mobile library or similar services visit the community.
• Confirm options for transportation if the community does not easily supply this service.
• Create an “adjustment plan.” This may mean that you do not visit for the first 1-2 weeks if your loved one is having difficulty adjusting and asking to “go home” when you visit. You may also need an adjustment plan for yourself to plan a new daily routine.
• Plan the frequency and type of your ongoing involvement, which may initially be significant until you gain confidence in the community’s ability to provide care.

Moving elderly parents or spouses out of their home can be a major project for a family caregiver that takes weeks or months. After the move, the caregiver can feel lost without daily requirements or tasks to complete.

9 Navigating Relationships with Community Staff and Providers

The relationships you establish with the staff at care communities can impact the care loved ones receive.

• Schedule a care conference with the community staff.
• Establish ongoing relationships with the daily care staff by checking in with them whenever you visit.
• Promptly deal with any issues or concerns about interactions with staff or care that arise in a factual manner.
• Document conversations and agreements so that you have a record of commitments.
• Establish relationships with visiting providers, i.e., physicians and their staff, pharmacy, therapists, etc.

10 Schedule Time for You

It is important to consider how you will respond to fill the gap of being needed or immediately accessible. After care responsibilities transfer to the community staff, the caregiver may realize how all-consuming the role or caregiver had become. Caregivers may feel relief or a sense of grief or loss.

While you will always care for elderly parents or a spouse, you can now focus on the relationship between you and the person who needs care. In most cases you will no longer have to be a loved one’s housekeeper, cook, errand runner, lawn mower, or other role that took all of your time. You can return to being the husband, wife, son, daughter, grandson, or granddaughter.

If you are a caregiver feeling guilty about moving elderly parents out of their home, know that you did your best under the circumstances with the resources you had available. Caregiving can become all-consuming and negatively impact a caregiver’s health and emotional well-being.

For more support in Caring for Elderly Parents, check out Pamela’s Online Caregiver Program.

©2024 Pamela D Wilson, All Rights Reserved.

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