The Caregiving Trap Caregiver Burden and Responsibility

By Pamela D. Wilson, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

Caregiver burden and responsibility represent the emotional, physical, and financial aspects and responsibilities of providing care and support for an ailing family member. This subject is rarely discussed because most caregivers are embarrassed to show feelings of exhaustion, frustration, or anxiety, believing that they are obligated to care for loved ones.

 

Feeling Trapped by Caregiving?

The idea of the caregiving trap is controversial, especially among guilt-filled caregivers. What “good” caregiver would ever admit to feeling trapped by caregiving for a loved one or expressing concerns about caregiver burden and responsibility?

Many caregivers and care receivers—if they are honest—admit to feeling trapped. Caregivers are trapped by real-life events that include meal preparation, medication reminders, bathing, dressing, housekeeping, grocery shopping, changing bed linens, laundry, maintaining the household, sorting mail, and paying bills—the list of caregiving tasks, burdens, and responsibilities can be endless.

Providing a significant amount of care is sustainable for a short time, a couple of weeks or a month. For more extended periods, realistic discussions and plans are necessary for caregivers to maintain physical and psychological well-being.

On the other hand, care receivers feel trapped by the idea of needing care. Many do not wish to burden family but have no other choice especially when finances cannot support the private payment of care, whether at home or in a care community. Caregiver burden and responsibility extend to both sides of caregiving.

Trading Time to Care for Aging Parents

In time-sensitive crisis situations with limited options, parents readily accept help and support from children. Many adult children begin by committing small amounts of time and quickly realize that their free time disappears and is replaced with a long list of projects related to caring for aging or sick parents.

When adult children step into the role of caregiver, parents can experience positive changes in their lives. Daily life becomes less complicated and more comfortable. Projects and activities parents were previously unable to complete are being accomplished by helpful adult children.

Aging parents are relieved to find groceries in the refrigerator, a clean house, paid bills, medications placed in daily reminder boxes, a mowed lawn, and shoveled snow. Life could not be better for parents who no longer struggle to manage challenging aspects of their daily lives.

Having the help of adult children in caregiving situations is like receiving assisted living support without leaving home, and better yet, the help is free. This situation represents the caregiving trap.

Unbalanced Care Relationships

Adult children who allow their lives to become unbalanced in favor of nonstop caregiving activity rarely stop until they experience a physical or emotional breakdown. It is easy for caregivers to become overly involved, burdened, and feeling responsible.

Most importantly, it is essential to balance becoming overly involved or detached and burdened. These extremes result in dysfunctional relationships, which are experienced in many caregiving families.

If you are a caregiver, listen and hear the concerns of your spouse, children, or others about being attentive to your well-being. Many caregivers are trapped in self-created situations of providing care and later realize that this arrangement cannot continue as the caregiver burden and responsibility continue to increase.

Yet, the caregiver has no idea how to change the situation without conflict or disagreement, so the caregiver delays discussions with the parent.

Not until the role of caregiving becomes physically and emotionally draining, when family relationships suffer, when projects at work are incomplete, and when supervisors reprimand about poor job performance, do caregivers realize that something must change.  Discussing the caregiver’s burden and responsibility with the person who needs care is no longer optional.

Resources Caregivers Need Most

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Fear of Change Can Be Disabling

How many people find themselves trapped in other parts of life? A want exists—a new house, job, or things—and then a person feels trapped by the time required to manage or the money to maintain nice things.

Traps are common in life. From the outside, the solutions might seem easy. Yet, it can be difficult to admit to making poor choices or decisions and creating a path to move ahead.

The way forward is to stop or change aspects of life that created the trap of caregiver burden and responsibility.

Feeling frozen, stuck, or immobile is easy when thoughts swirl and the way out of a self-created trap seems impossible. On the other hand, external events like job loss, loss of a spouse, or a serious illness can result in feeling equally trapped.

Fear of change occurs because of the great unknown. Interestingly, the same unknowns are faced by the care recipient, who may also fear change in the caregiving situation.

Initiating Conversations

Caregivers may attempt to discuss concerns with loved ones through vague mentions, hoping that parents will intuitively pick up on their stated concerns; they do not. One day, out of frustration, the caregiver’s mouth engages before the brain, and the words said cannot be taken back.

The parent responds with a verbal volcanic eruption, expressing a lack of appreciation for all that has been done. Mom or Dad turns the tables, saying, “I don’t need your help. I’m fine living here by myself. I’ll take care of myself.” The caregiver, instead of feeling relieved, feels rejected, angry, and unappreciated.

Parallels exist in the approach to managing daily life and the responsibilities of caregiving situations. Challenges become a matter of perspective and attitude, often overwhelming caregivers who experience high levels of stress but have no idea how to resolve the situation. Surprising to caregivers is that care recipients experience the same range of emotions.

Caregiving is a revolving door where those involved become disgruntled with aspects of providing care because of repeated yet failed attempts to change unfavorable aspects: for example, an inability to receive appropriate treatment from a physician who seems never to listen to concerns or receipt of denial letters from an insurance company refusing to approve a long-term care insurance claim despite multiple requests for documented information.

Insight Through Self-Reflection

These are events frequently experienced by overly involved or frustrated caregivers whose behaviors or lack of detailed follow-through make situations more challenging because of a loss of objectivity and patience. Stubbornness and a lack of introspection can result in an inability to see that the caregiver’s actions may contribute to problems.

How does one avoid the burdens of the caregiving trap by achieving a middle ground and balance?

One suggestion is to gain awareness of the tug-of-war of emotions that occur between the caregiver and the care recipient. This insight may provide a better understanding of the aspects common to aging that have not yet been experienced by caregivers who are able and healthy.

Pamela’s book, The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Changes, is available through all major bookstores and on this website.

Looking for more tips, information, and support?

Listen to Pamela’s Podcast, The Caring Generation.

Check out Pamela’s online program Caring for Aging Parents and videos on her YouTube Channel.

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