Understanding Aging Parent & Adult Child Caregiving Relationships

How do the quality of relationships and career success impact how parents feel about their adult children? How might support between grown children and parents predict the quality of future caregiving relationships?  Is there a link between the perception of success and day-to-day relationships between parents and adult children?

Research (Cichy, Lefkowitz, Davis & Fingerman, 2013) shows a significant link between the quality of parent-child relationships and perceptions of children’s success. “Parents report strained relationships with children who have failed to achieve adult statuses.”

Family Caregiving Relationships and Reciprocity

The idea of reciprocity supports day-to-day relationships. The term “conflicted support” relates to the support provided to an adult child or an adult parent when a sense of repayment, change in personal habits, or lack of appreciation occurs. Conflicted support is common in many parent-child relationships and often results in negative feelings.

Considering these complicated relationship factors, how might adult children and parents work through these issues that will ultimately affect caregiving relationships—or is this asking the impossible?

How does success or a perceived lack of success in an adult child’s life affect parent-child relationships? There are times when unsuccessful or dependent children drain parent’s emotions and financial resources.

Is there a certain age at which adult children should be independent of parental support? How many adults in their 30s, 40s, and 50s continue to rely on parents for housing, money, or emotional support? Is this dependency due to an enabling relationship where parents continue to rescue their children from failures at school, at work, or in relationships?

Aging Parent Regrets

Guilt, anger, and disappointment are common parental emotions relating to their children’s success.

• Parents ask themselves if they might have taken a different action or responded differently so that a child did not turn out a certain way. (Guilt)
• Could a parent have set more boundaries or been more direct in setting expectations with children about achieving independence? (Anger)
• Did parents not hold children accountable for setting and achieving goals? Were parents poor role models? (Disappointment or regret)
• Did parents use alcohol or substances to cope with conflict in the family making it difficult for their children to feel that home was a safe environment? (Guilt)

Mothers experience greater distress when children experience failed relationships, while fathers experience greater distress when children fail to achieve career success and are unable to provide for themselves financially. Parents can provide the perfect environment for their children who, for whatever reason, do not reach their full potential.

These differences relate to the perceived responsibilities of a mother and a father regarding setting an example for their children and the feeling of failure when children are unsuccessful.  (Cichy, Lefkowitz, Davis & Fingerman, 2013)

How do feelings of guilt, anger, and disappointment relate to ongoing support throughout the lifespan of adult children and parents?

Aging Parent and Adult Children Caregiving Relationships

Middle-aged parents’ feelings about helping children depend on how children respond to assistance in terms of thankfulness, resistance, or an entitled attitude. Conflicted and negative feelings exist when parental expectations of children’s responses to support are not met; however, this does not mean that parents will not continue to support adult children. (Cichy, Lefkowitz, Davis & Fingerman, 2013)

However, it may mean that parents will make different plans for their future relative to retirement and caregiving needs, knowing that relationships with adult children will continue to be strained and relationships less than ideal. These parents have the foresight to plan for their retirement without expecting or wanting their children to be their caregivers.

Caregiving Healthcare Retirement | Valuing Independence and Planning for the Future

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Providing support is even more complicated for adult children who feel entitled to parental property and money. Parents in these situations must learn to set appropriate boundaries, limit adult children’s demands, and remind children that support has been provided and will no longer continue to be provided.

In many of these situations, the looming idea of “I will continue to provide support if” exists, meaning that there is an expectation that the adult child will change the behaviors that led to the problem at hand. Ultimately, there is a time to walk away and allow children to succeed or fail because of their choices and decisions.

Fostering Independence Instead of Dependence

According to research (Fingerman, K., Cheng, Y., Cichy, K., Birditt, K & Zarit S., 2013), adult children who receive support to alleviate problems experience a poorer daily mood because the idea of needing support from parent attention and focus on an inability to problem solve and to an absence of coping skills.

For parents, the idea of offering continued support may only serve to alleviate the distress they feel as a result of a failed child rather than fostering an improved relationship.

Admittedly, parent-child relationships are complicated. The best possible situation results from children who become emotionally and financially independent, foster positive relationships and build careers that enable self-support. This allows for a parent-child relationship that is not based on a need for support but on standards of mutual respect and reciprocity.

Looking for more resources foraging parent caregiving relationships? Check out Pamela’s complimentary online webinar program about caring for aging loved ones.

Sources:

Cichy, K.E., Lefkowitz, E.S., Davis, E.M., & Fingerman, K.L. (2013) “You are such a Disappointment!”: Negative Emotions and Parents’ Perceptions of Adult Children’s Lack of Success. Journals of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 68(6), 893-901. Doi 10:1093/geronb/gbr053. Advance Access publication June 2, 2013.

Fingerman, K.L., Cheng, Y.P., Cichy, K.E., Birditt, K.S. & Zarit S. (2013). Help with “strings attached”: offspring perceptions that middle-aged parents offer conflicted support.  Journals of Gerontology, Series B” Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 68(6), 902-911, doi: 10:1093/geronb/bgt032. Advance Access publications May 24, 2013.

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